Spiritual Recovery

“LOVE BEYOND MEASURE”

Rich Young, M.S., HOP Spiritual Counselor
How do you go BEYOND, when you have lost someone so significant?
The word BEYOND, itself, can be used as a strategy of how you can go beyond, and continue on with life in the midst of a loss of a significant person in your life.  Let’s use the word BEYOND as an acronym to explore strategy of grief recovery.

The letter “B”
In order to go beyond with life, you need to BE REAL.
During your time of grief, it is very easy to not be real.  It is very easy to put on a mask and to hide our true feelings and emotions.  In fact, those around us actually help us not be real.  Often, those around us, with good intentions, will attempt to distract us and help us “Be Strong”, or “Move on”.  One of the worst things we can say to a person, especially early in the grief process, is, “You are being so strong!”  Being Strong is not realistic when you have lost a person so significant.  It is okay and appropriate, to be weak, and to fall apart.  Learning to be real will allow you to actually proceed through the journey of grief.  Being real will mean that you will be experiencing a wide variety of emotions, sadness, pain, anger, loneliness, fear, and feeling overwhelmed, and sometimes you will feel nothing at all, because the only word that fits is, emptiness.  This leads us to the next letter of the word beyond.
The letter “E”
In order to go beyond with life, you will need to learn to EXPERIENCE AND EXPRESS.
We must learn to experience and express our grief.  We often think that grief and mourning is the same thing.  Yet, they are not.  Allen Wolfelt, in his book Understanding Your Grief, helps us distinguish these two words.  He says, “Grief is the constellation of internal thoughts and feelings we have when someone we love dies.”  Mourning, he states is, “when you take the grief you have on the inside and ‘express’ it outside of yourself”.  He says, “Another way of defining mourning is “grief gone public”.  Jesus stated in the Beatitudes, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted”.  Healing is definitely reachable for all of us who have lost someone so significant, yet there are no short cuts to that healing.  We must be willing to experience the pain of grief, and find resources of expressing that grief.  Some examples of ways that you can express yourself would be, talking to someone who allows you to express your pain and myriad of emotions, keeping a journal, expressing your emotions through art or poetry.  You may consider participating in a Bereavement Support Group, where you can join others who can understand your pain, because they are walking the same path that you are walking.  Experience and Expression are the two words that really are the key to emotional healthiness for all of us, even if you have not experienced a recent loss.
The letter “Y”
In order to go beyond with life, you will need to learn to YIELD.
We must yield to a power of Grace that is beyond our own abilities. The Apostle Paul wrote, in reference to God, “My Grace is sufficient for you”.   I believe God’s Grace is sufficient, and yet Grace can only be experienced when it is received.  I believe one of the greatest temptations for man, is the temptation to try to be his own god.  So, during your time of grief especially, I believe it is important to yield to the wonderful Grace that is offered to you.  Grace is the power to do what you cannot do by yourself.  One definition of Grace might be, God filling the gap between our humanity and His Divinity with love, strength, understanding, and acceptance. 
The letter “O”
In order to go beyond with life, you must OPEN NEW WINDOWS.
Opening new windows is particularly true if you’ve lost a spouse.  Often when you lose a spouse, you will go through a period of not really knowing who you are anymore, without your life partner.  It is a time of redefining who you are and how you will spend your time.  It is easy to get stuck in the void and emptiness.  The period of life that follows the lost of a spouse or significant other can become a unique time to explore and find new opportunities, and it actually can be a time to explore new interests.  Initially, it is not realistic that you will feel like exploring new interests or opportunities, but eventually your energy and motivation can return, and you look for new windows in your life.  Many people have discovered new traits and talents that offer new meaning and fulfillment in life.
The letter “N”
In order to go beyond with life, you will NEED OTHERS.
Following the lost of a loved one, you are often tempted to attempt to handle everything by yourselves.  There are no medals given for being tough or strong along the journey of grief.  I encourage you to offer yourself permission to need other people and to surround yourself with those who are willing to help you.  If you do find yourself alone, then I encourage that you seek people through your church or community resources, as well as, extended family members, that can help you along your journey.
The letter “D”
In order to go beyond with life, you need to DIRECT GRACE TOWARD OTHERS.
One of the gifts of the grief recovery process is coming to the place when you are able to pay forward the Grace that you have received during your time of loss.  We do not have to look far and wide, to find people in our world in the need of Grace and love.  I believe that the purpose of Grace is that we share with others the grace we have experienced.  I encourage you to look for opportunities to make a difference in the world you live in.  Often our greatest experiences of loss, become the birthplace of wonderful gifts that we are able to share with others.  As we share Grace with others, not only do those around us benefit, but we, ourselves, receive great gifts, as well.  I have experienced this, and I have heard so many people tell me as they are leaving a place as a volunteer in a hospital or a nursing home, that they feel like they got more out of the visit, than those they saw.  I believe that all of us have been created as gifts, and I believe our greatest fulfillment comes, when we become a gift to others.

Our public support groups in the Prescott, Cottonwood, and Sedona, Arizona area are available so you are not alone. They are free and open to the public.