I was like any normal mother with children, loving them, proud, and thought nothing would ever happen to them. They grew up healthy, girls had to study harder, while my son got straight A’s till he got into high school. All of the kids played some type of musical instrument, from drums to flute or saxophone. We all had our trials and tribulations, but we always loved each other. Just like most families!
I was unprepared for the next step to happen in my life, when my son returned from Iraq. He was ready to go back home to Nebraska for his 30 day leave when he tells me; “Mom, I think I have a sinus infection”. I gave him something to try, but when he returned 3 weeks later he was no better. Told him when he returned to Camp Pendleton to see the physician. This went on for another 3 weeks when his vision became blurred, and his left eye began to protrude. Immediately he was given a CT scan of his head. He was later diagnosed with small squamous cell carcinoma in his sinus cavity. He underwent the surgery of 16 hours, lost his eye, and the tumor was the size of his fist. A month later, it was back, so now he underwent 32 radiation treatments. This whole time he is also having a wife and a daughter on his mind too. She is only 2 years old.
This was only the beginning of the emotional roller coaster I was about to journey on. He is my first born child, he was my Valentine, being born on February 14. He was smart, witty, funny, kind, would help anyone. When they first discovered it, he said to me, “Mom, why is God doing this to me, I have changed my life for the better, what does he want from me?” I stood there for a second, with no real answer that came to mind, and finally said, “Only God knows what he has in mind, and we don’t always know why the things that happen the way they do!” This was the start of our calling each other almost every night. When the cancer returned he then wanted to talk to me, about when the time came at the end of his life he wanted no heroic things done. I was to work with my daughter in law, and not to extend his life any longer than needed. He was given less than 6 months to live, which for me was so hard to know that I couldn’t do anything to help. I had been a nurse for almost 20years, he was at my graduation, the thoughts begin of the things he use to do when he was younger, the times we worked together, and apart. We don’t always see eye to eye with our children.
I prayed before this, but I can tell you it increased a 100 fold. I knew in my heart that it was out of my control, it was in God’s hand and there was nothing I could do but pray. My heart felt like it was going to burst and any moment, the pain I felt was like know other pain I had ever felt in my life. I couldn’t and wouldn’t let anyone help me, it was something I needed to do on my own, or I thought I didn’t.
My son and I continued to talk almost every day, he once has to go to Iowa for a fellow Marine had died, and his parents wanted him to be at the funeral. I knew he would be busy, so I didn’t bother him. He called me that night and said, “What we don’t talk anymore?” Of course I responded with, “of course we do, I just didn’t want to bother you there.” He was having a lot of pain there, not feeling good and here I was so far away and could not be present to help him. You know when they were children and sick and we would nurse them back to health. The one thing my son wanted was to go home to Nebraska and see snow. This disease continued to spread through my son’s body with no avail, like a race car racing around the track as fast as it could go. When he got back to Nebraska, he lost his sight, another tumor was there pressing against the optic nerve. Now here comes the radiation again, chemo to follow. My sister would meet them when he had his chemo, and she called me that day and telling me she saw it in his eyes he was done. He called me later, telling me he had the most wonderful doctor in the world because he didn’t hurt anymore. He tells me it is morphine and it is wonderful. That last Monday of his life it snowed 12 inches total, he got stuck in it 3 times. On Wednesday of that week he finally had to go to the hospital. I knew it was the end, how to I handle this, I don’t want to lose my baby boy, the pain increases in my heart knowing I am helpless. I have prayed for the past 7 months with no answer, the doctors can’t help anymore, he is tired. The strong Marine was no longer strong, he had lost his strength physically, and mentally he was a fighter. Between his wife and I we decided on Friday, we had to let him go, I can honestly say of all the decisions I have made in my life this was the hardest. I have lost grandparents, my father, cousins, and more, but none compared to this, it is like someone has taken my breath away, my heart is beating so fast and I feel like I need to just fall to the floor. My strength has weakened; I knew when I saw him take his last breath he was with God. Later, the anger set in as to why could God take this child from me. Why would you want to hurt the ones that loved him so much? So many unanswered questions? With not very many answers!
It has been over 4 years since he has left this world; it is still difficult at times. I do have a wonderful grand daughter that I see him in her, which is some comfort. Nothing can take his place, His sisters, his niece continue to say, “What would Richard say about this?” I can honestly say that the whole time I am writing this article about him, the loss I still feel to this day. The tears are running like a small stream, my throat tightens, it is difficult to swallow, and my nose is running, and most of all the pain I feel in my heart is still there.
I have to thank Hospice of the Pines for some of my healing; I started working there 6 months after he died. They held a support group for me shorting after I started. Being up here in the mountains, I feel I am as close as I am going to be to him, before I leave this world myself. I have asked many people who have lost a child how did you do it? They will say the same thing I am going to tell you, “There will always be a void in your heart, but remembering all of the good times, letting family and friends in to help you will help.” It is not an easy journey, but we are stronger than we think sometimes, especially when you still have children, spouse at home with you. Let your family and friends in, and attend a support group, I still attend one now and then when I am really having a difficult time, around the holidays tend to be the worse for me. I don’t know what is worse, watching your child slowly die, and to lose them immediately. I do know that no matter what it is, YOU HAVE LOST A CHILD!
